To know me....

So, I was watchign this episode of House - never realyl saw it before, but it was on my tivo, so why not. It was about this 9 year old girl who was dying of cancer. Then she got even sicker for whatever reason and went in to the hospital ot see what was up. Well, in this episode not only did she have one type of cancer, but also a second and totally unrelated cancer. poor girl. The thing was they had to operate immediatly to get rid of the "new" cancer so she could live through the "old" cancer. But, the procedure was a coin toss, maybe she would survive - maybe she wouldn't. So, they show the operation, then they show her in her hospital bed, waking up from the anesthesia and her mom is there and its a tearful, lump-in-throat embrace that they share. What they don't show is how devestating that goodbye is. Which is good, because it shows how wonderful "hello's" are after that devestating goodbye. Just sorta makes you think about things... and this is what i sorted out from that show.

1) Nothing is promised to you. Tomorrow definately is not. So, why waste a moment? I had a friend - a very, very close friend who I was in a bit of a quarrel with. We hadn't spoken for a while and we're just getting back to be comfortable around each other. I knew we'd be fine as friends, but we were being stubborn and petty. He died in a car crash. It's haunted me ever since. This little girl was given a year to live... she was making the best of it, and one day they find a second cancer in her that needed immediate attention or she would die right there. Not even a year is guaranteed

2) We've all been down that road where somewhere we have wished someone out of our life, or maybe we have left someone's life without any real reason why. And, the question is, why did we do it? Yes, we know that we can make life happy no matter what we do. It's human nature to do that - afterall, who wants to be sad and miserable all their life? But, we also know that sometimes there are people in your life that you just cannot be without. Some people, that somehow or another just seem to touch you in ways that nobody else can. Life is happy - but life is happier with them. Like the picture of the little girl and her mom saying goodbye - preparing just incase something happened, ready to spend their lives without each other - and then that amazing thrill, that incredible sensation when they realized they didn't have to. Everyone affects you in different ways... keep the ones that you cannot be without.

It's weird - just a tv show, but somethigns there are just a lot of meanings to be found in them. But, why put yoruself in a position where you will regret your decisions? I think that's a word that people don't fully understand until it's upon them. "Regret" Because that implies that somewhere, you did something that is not repearable - and every day it haunts you. Maybe because I am living it, it's a bit closer to me. Maybe that is how I know it is something I would not wish even on my worst enemy. Today is for you... the people who make your world better, it's for you to celebrate them. No matter what.

So, imagine this. Imagine that somehow (you don't really have a very good idea how this happened, you just know that it did indeed happen) you find yourself in the middle of the ocean and all around you all you see is water. Overhead, not a bird is in sight and that makes you realize that not only is land far away, but you have no idea which way to swim. Below you, you can see down for what seem like forever, but even now, you get no glimpse of the bottom. However, it jumps into your head that since you can see down so far, other things are able to see that far up at you. Now, since this is our dream, we have control over some other factors - such as the fact that we don't have to worry about getting hungry, we don't have to worry about the sun beating down on us and frying us alive. Now, that isn't to say that there is no night and day, because we still have the dark to contend with. But, for now, it's midday and the sun is shining brightly. You can see everywhere.

So, now, picture yourself there. What do you do? Which way to you swim? If you swim one way, do you second guess yourself and think that you may be leading yourself even further away from safety? Do you wonder if anyone is out there looking for you? Do you think that maybe, if you stay in the same area you were left at, someone may find you? But, if you do that, don't you think that you'll never get back and just spend forever wading there in the water? Now, lets say you do start to swim, are you afraid that your motions may attract some of the dangers that lurk in the water below you? Or, if you stay still, do you think you'll look like a wounded animal just ripe for the taking? Or lets say that, no matter what choice you have made in regards to swimming, that in the distance you see a fin in the water. Do you panic and assume it is a shark or something just as horrible? Or do you give yourself a chance to think it is a friendly dolphin? And, at that point, after seeing the fin, do you try to remain perfectly still to not attract any attention? Or do you start to swim away?

Being lost... its rough. I know how that feels....

Ok, so this is like my 3rd day in a row of being annoyed. Or maybe that is too light of a word, just being pissed. I've just been really irritable these last few days... and it all began with something so simple, yet so aggrivating. LEts say you are watching somethong on tv. and it's interesting and you're really kind of into it. Afterall, its one of your favorite shows. Then lets say someone keeps talkign through it. Doesn't that just piss you off? I mean I'm not paying attention. My replies are usually grunts. So just shut up. You're interested in this show also. So, be quiet and watch it. Damn. A comment here or there is ok, but don't keep making me try to pay attnetion to two things at once because you are going to lose. How can I make it more obvious that I want you to shut up then by just grunting. And, since when, has the right time to tell a story about something been right after the commercials end? Don't tell me a story then. Don't even think of a story to tell me then. Just be quiet. See, silly... yet, damn - so annoying.

Then, I woke up for work on Monday and I think I was still annoyed. Or rather I just kept playing over in my head how annoyed I was. I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh - yet just being reminded of it annoyed me. Now I have to rewatch that show. But, anyways, back to work. So I go there annoyed and that is the wrong way to go to that place. So, it proceeded to piss me off further. Without mentioning anything, I am sick of doing people's job because they are either too lazy to do it, or think they have reached the point where they don't have to do it. But when I have to continually fix something that has been "fixed," it drives me crazy. So, I went to work annoyed and was driven crazy. Maybe I am also annoyed because I ahve to be there every day this week. Sunday through Saturday. Sweet.

So, I went to bed early, and still annoyed (yes, I was annoyed still at the fiasco of sunday plus the being driven crazy at work) because I had to wake up early for Star Wars 3. So, here I am already pissed and now I have to wake up 2 hours early for work.  We've all been down this road.  We all know the results.  So I shall not elaborate on my mood right now.  But, my lord...  this all started over just a grating personality.  I think I am off to rewatch that show... and take a nap.... grrrrrr

So, I guess I've felt lost the last few days. Or maybe helpless. Or something like that. It bothers me when I see people, anyone that I care abotu really, going through a tough time. I guess I'm kind of the guy who tries to say the right thing, or do the silly thing to atleast get a smile. Maybe I'm just the sort of person who wants to be part of a solution rather than part of a problem, ya know? And, here, I ahd no idea how to do that. It was frustrating, but in a totally diffrent style of frustration. Not like in a mad way, but just in a way that I didn't feel I was even contributing. But, then I realized it wasn't for me to contribte. It wasn't for me to say or do the right thing. It actually wasn't for me to do or say anything except be there if I was needed. It was for me just to call to say good luck, to say I hope that the world seems better tomorrow and to leave it at that.

It was actually a time for me to sit back and just be proud. To sit back and know that they knew I was here if need be. But, as frustrating as it was to just sit back and watch - it's also quite amazing to watch people in action. We're all so capable of rising above so many situations that it baffles the mind. Whe you think about it, sometimes all we really need is someone to just keep our head up and we'll do the rest. I got to sit back and see that. I got to be proud of quite a few people just by hearing stories.

So, its been an odd time here. Wanting to do more, yet maybe realizing that what I did was okay also. Because in the days, weeks and months prior to all this a bond was formed that you can just feel. That no matter what, it feels good to know that someone is there.

I rambled... but they are my thoughts. Like I said, its been quite a week. But, you can't beat any week when you can look back and realize just how proud you are. God bless....

So, hung out the the parents for a bit today, and it's just funny how things just seem to happen, or work out or whatever you want to call it. But, we were sitting around and talking and they were talking about a medical power of attorney. Now, just to quickly explain what that is, basically it states if someone is incapable of making choices to save/help their life, then the person who is designated as the power of attorney is the one to make that choice. I am sure we all remember the story this spring/summer about the woman who had been brain dead for so long and was only alive because machines were keeing her that way, well her husband had power of attorney and said to pull the plug, to stop the suffering and the misery. So, we were talking about it, and apparently I am the one they want to give that power to. Now, I have 2 brothers - one older and one younger, so it's a pretty big decision. Actually, its a decision of who will grant their wishes the best. Apparently, that's me. And, that's an interesting thing to think about. It's one thing to be able to sit around and joke about it - but its another thing to just sit back and wonder "what if...." And, no more has this hit home than the situation that some of you rading this are also going through with one of your dear friends. It puts you in a diiffernt place of thought because you realize that your parents aren't invincible. That one day they're going to need you just as much as you've needed them. It's weird to think about.

But, I'm the guy. And that means a lot to me. But, I guess that is me. I do a lot of the "shit" that I don't care to do. But, I do it. I'm not one to shy away from having to make a tough call, or even have a terrible conversation. Sometimes, I really like that about myself - other times I wish I didn't have that in me. They figured my brothers would let emotion get too involved, and that I am the most level headed, and maybe they are right. But, I don't think that has to do with not letting emotions get in the way. I think it's my way of taking more of a blow than everyone else. Like I am an emotional matyr, huh? Sacrifice my feelings for the good of everyone else.... interesting. But, that's me. It's interesting to think about, especially in light of all that is around us now.

So, it's not a good thing, it's not a bad thing. It is a thing. It is my thing. It's what has been on my mind today. I'm going to make one of those too, and I need to figure out who is the best for it. It's weird... tomorrow is guaranteed to happen, but its not promised to happen for everyone.

I feel like this has been a bit of a downer, and I hope if anyone has read it all, you don't think that. Its meant to be thoughtful and introspective.

So, what a day. I feel like I want to drink it all away. One of those ones you wish would never come... but that is for reasons all my own. Despite that, I think I actually made a difference today, and that makes me happy. Better yet, I made a difference at work, and because of it, I made a lady cry. Her tears were the happy ones.

So, it was about noon when she called. Just wanted to know if we had a tv in stock. So, I went to check. Poor lady was on hold for about 10 minutes, so whats a few seconds for me to walk and actually make sure I have it? So, she told me that one of her friends had the same kind, and that someone came over and helped to build a really nice cabinet to go around it. She was all about getting that. But, then she had no idea when she'd be able to come in and get one, and this is where I went from Best Buy worker, to friend in her world. They are elderly folks and her husband just had heart surgery because his arteries were 99% blocked. It was risky surgery, I was told. But, without it he would have had a stroke and died. Risky, yes - but a no brainer. So, he is in incredible pain and has a heart functioning at about 20% of what it should. And to top it off, his doctor is on vacation in Japan until Monday. Wow. Poor guy. She has very little use of one of her arms because she has had - and survived - cancer. And her hearing isn't very good. So, she talked, and i listened. And i reassured. And she opened up and when I told her all the right things, everything that she could possibly want to hear, she cried and said I was her blessing today. And she called back twice to make sure that I knew that. And each time she hung up happy, her voice full of happy tears.

She asked me to say a prayer for her husband. Well, I haven't been able to get them out of my mind. She said we will meet one day, and I am looking forward to that, because in just a brief moment, I think she made as much an impact on me as I did to her.

So, I made a woman cry today, and I have never felt better doing it. I dont think I need those drinks anymore.

So, what can I say, I get dumber by the day, and friday was just one of those days. Hockey game... got killed. How good were these guys? I was playing center because we needed a good skater up there. So, in the 3rd period I go up to my winger, all wide-eyed, and say "I can't beat this guy on a faceoff, go straight to the point." (that means that when this guy kicks my ass on the face off, he is ble to pass the puck back to the defenseman, so I wanted my winger to go there and get the puck.) I mean, he was so good that I actually knew before the puck was dropped that I couldn't beat him. Holy crap.

So, we lose 4-0 cuz our goalie was amazing. But, then the fun starts. Go to the bar afterwards (late game so we get to the bar at abotu 1am) and have a few beers. Well, enxt thing you know, someone steals my phone and starts calling people on it. Funny. Then we go and steal someone else's phone and just randomly put in numbers to talk to people. Some numbers didn't work, but, oh the conversations you can have with sleepy people when they do actually pick up. This one guy, we called 3 times. Yikes. Even typing this it makes me laugh. So, here we are, by looking at our birth certificates you'd assume we were older mature guys, but we're prank calling people at 1:45am. Ha... guys are always retarted. No matter what. I bet next time we go around ringing door bells and running. You know, the good 'ole ding-dong ditching. Stay tuned for that one.....

yeah, still lost 4-0 tho. Life is funny.

So, I've been told that I'm a somewhat decent writer. Or that I have a way of making words enjoyable to read. Who knows. So, right now, my mind has too much time to wander and thought of what I can do to put it to work. Well, I figured to do something fun and just start writing. Soon you'll see a link here for it. Assuming I don't get lazy. But, so far, so fun. I'm a lot rusty, so it'll take some time for that first one - but if you all are interested, well, I'll try my hardest. Keep in mind though, it is purly a work of fiction. Things will be brought up from my life experiences, sure, but just as a background. All the details, names, you name it will be purely from my noggin.

So, sometimes we find motivation is the craziest of areas. Sometimes its just to prove people wrong, or sometimes it is to prove yourself right. Sometimes its because we're pissed about something and sometimes its because thigns are so good you just wanna keep them rolling.

Right now, I'm the pissed off guy. Not like "mad" mad. But, rather just looking at things and pissed that they actually are happening. Right now grandpa claims he is on his last legs and he is doing everything possible to push himself over the edge. Not a day goes by... no, wait.... not a conversation goes by that i don't hear about how much better off he'd be not on this world. Fuck, what do you say to that? How can you actually take those words and process them? How is it that every time I hear a bump I spring to my feet to check it out, to make sure everything is ok - and when i get there, its the same thing. "I'm done, kid."

Shit, that sucks. Fuck, that sucks. God Damn, that sucks. Get the idea? I'm scared to death here. And I can't help but let it drive me a little crazy. Maybe that's part of the reason I've really let this past month get to me. No matter where I go I cannot escape from one thought to the next. I keep wondering what's going to happen when that day comes. When he does leave us. This is the worst thought I think anyone can have, but I wonder if I will get looked at as someone who should have done more.

Shit's getting to me. Maybe, for the time being, I need to tell you all "I'm done, kid."

So, ever had 3 people in your life telling you that you're jsut not good enough? Fuck it.

I'm done, kid